Feel for Jane Doe

I stand outside myself and pretend 

 I am only an observer 

 Refusing to see what I don’t want to remember 

I resent being reminded 

 I hate those who do that 

and unfortunately, it is usually men 

 It is hard not to hate men 

But then I see Tony mopping the spa 

He says good morning 

I say good morning 

He talks about the weather 

And I think of my son 

He will never do that 

He stands up for justice and equity 

He treats women with respect and kindness. 

 I walk into the community shower room 

 It is dark 

 The motion sensor failed 

Did someone disable it? 

I fear for my life 

 I go for walks 

Fearing torture 

The world is not safe for women 

We need to do more to make it safe 

Men have no concept 

I wake up feeling 

angry melancholy withdrawn 

like I felt the morning after 

I need to unplug 

from all of these reminders 

My husband wonders why I am quiet 

I don’t want to talk about it 

I feel like crying 

I need to cry 

but I am too angry to cry 

I need to unplug 

but I am too angry to unplug 

I am stuck 

but I refuse to be stuck 

I am trapped 

vicious cycles of reminders

negative emotions, processing 

processing processing 

 I dip into the silky warm pool 

 glide weightless 

weight lifted by water 

the ultimate survivor 

over under around through 

Fifty-four years since it happened

the first time 

I am a survivor 

I feel for Jane Doe 

I am a Jane Doe 

My perpetrators are out there 

unpunished 

Are they reminded of what they did 

when they see these headlines? 

Do they dismiss what they did 

as if it was not that bad? 

Do they lie to themselves and say that I wanted it? 

Do they blame me for what they did? 

Do they have any idea how much they hurt me?

How it would affect my life, my relationships? 

 Feel for Jane Doe